The wrong conclusion

In the midst of pain we don't always make wise choices. It is often said that when major events happen in our lives this is not the best time to make big decisions. When our emotions are most engaged our brains are most disengaged. We often want to make the situation go away or change so we may end up doing doing something drastic.  When i have done this in my life, i almost always regret it. My deepest pains have led me to do some pretty stupid things. I wasn't always caught, but there was at least once when i was busted working out my emotions in a negative way. It was financially a bad thing as the ticket was well over $100. 

So what should we do? When emotions are exacerbated, pressed into action by circumstances, it is at this time that we must slow down. Take a step back, breath deep and wait.  Act like everything is normal. Ask to be excused for a few minutes. Remove yourself from the situations. Disengage for a time. 

Once we have been able to digest and work out the emotions then we make decisions or react. 

I will confess that many a time in my misunderstanding  and impatience, i have messed up, often at the detriment to those around me.

Today, I am reminded that before the pain, emotions or critical situations i will find myself in, I must make up my mind before hand what boundaries and actions are allowed. If not, i will end up crossing lines or saying things that will cause me to  meet regret head on, again. 

The last 40 years

Entering into a new decade brings lots of contemplation and I thought I would write down some of my favorite things from the last forty years as I look forward to what lies ahead.

1. I am a child of God and Jesus is my Savior
2. I would choose to marry my husband, Seth, again and again
3. Noah, my first son, is a great big brother to his siblings and so many other kids
4. Dakota, my second son, brings joy and laughter to our home
5. Karley, my sweet daughter, teaches me more about myself
6. We were foster parents to 16 children and it was the fulfillment of a dream
7. Ran 2 ½ marathons
8. Ran a marathon before I was 40
9. Got a masters degree in counseling once the kids were all in school
10. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday
11. Did a zip line El Salvador
12. Rode in a helicopter at the Dade County Youth Fair
13. Went on a 9 day camping trip with my college roommate
14. Have stayed in some of the most beautiful B&Bs across the USA
15. Went white water rafting in West Virginia
16. Rode a tandem bike across the Golden Gate Bridge on our 1^st anniversary
17. Prepared a chicken in West Africa from the time it was walking around to when we ate it
18. Was in a bed race in our church parking lot growing up
19. Went to youth group camp each year
20. Performed in the Miami Christmas pageant for 18 years
21. Have lived near the beaches of Florida, California, and Senegal
22. Sang the national anthem in the Yankee stadium with our youth choir
23. Was on the dance/high kick team in high school
24. Sold everything we owned twice to move overseas
25. Have lived on 3 different continents
26. I am a lifetime PTA member in Texas
27. We were living in the Ivory Coast when a war broke out in 2002
28. I rode on an elephant in Thailand
29. I helped to drill a well in El Salvador
30. I grew up in the same house for 18 years in Miami
31. I really enjoy cooking and making my family happy
32. I have a much greater appreciation for goldfish and Milano cookies after living in Delhi for 18 months
33. I enjoy my teenagers much more than I ever thought I would
34. Counseling with my husband brings me lots of joy
35. Our family would go to upstate New York to the “farm” every year for vacation
36. I like silver jewelry better than gold
37. My favorite vacation was in Los Cabos
38. I really liked having a big brother and thought it would great for my daughter to have two
39. I still remember my childhood phone number but have forgotten all the others
40. I got my nose pierced for my birthday, just one of the things I never thought I would do

When Sickness Takes Over

This would be the title of the latest chapter in the book of my life, which, by the way, I have no intention of writing. I have been dealing with sickness off and on since the end of July (over 3 months). This has been the darkest time for the longest period of time in my life. I have known for a long time that sickness, in myself and/or in my family, is one of the hardest struggles for me, something that can trigger immediate anxiety. I feel powerless, and out of control; not knowing how long the sickness will last or how many family members will be affected. I don’t like not being able to do the things that are part of the normal routines of life. I don’t like missing out on things because of sickness.

For me, during this time, I would get sick for several days and then get better for about a week. The sickness would then return and this pattern continued on for weeks. I went to the doctor to break this pattern and this began a series of tests and a long list of medications, which had significant side effects. This went on for weeks with no answers. Finally, after a 3-day hospital stay and an endoscopy, I was diagnosed with H. Pylori. I was relieved to have a diagnosis, but this knowledge in and of itself did not make me feel better physically. I was so depleted physically and emotionally by this point.

I was still getting fever every few days and the doctor did not have an explanation for this, as it is not associated with my diagnosis. He wanted to wait to start the course of antibiotics until I charted the fever for several days. I was discouraged by this, but now I see it was God’s plan all along and Him demonstrating His grace and mercy to me.

A few days after getting out of the hospital here in Delhi, some in leadership with our company advised me to go to Bangkok to get some answers and go to the doctors there. We trusted them and all five of us got on a plane the next day.

I spent eight days in the hospital there and received excellent care, as well as another diagnosis of tropical sprue. I started the treatment for H. Pylori which consisted of a combination of 3 antibiotics, acid blockers, as well as lots of nausea medication via pills and IV. It was the sickest I have ever been. I was tremendously weak, staying in bed for entire hospital stay, and my weight continued to drop off. My husband and kids came to the hospital each day and stayed with me until it was time for them to go back to the guest house and sleep. They loved me and supported me in a way that was new for our family and they did a great job.

After I was released from the hospital, we stayed in Bangkok for a few more days for a follow-up appointment with my doctor. My blood levels were coming up to normal; my energy and appetite was far from normal. The doctor told me it would take time. I was so tired of waiting and feeling weak. I so desperately wanted to be fully healthy again.

I have finished one course of treatment and will be on another antibiotic to get rid of the sprue for the next 6 months. Some energy and appetite returned for a couple of weeks and now it seems that in some ways, I am back where I was before, with very little appetite and I am not sure why.

The most disheartening and difficult part of this whole ordeal has been the emotional effect my physical sickness has had on me. It is a vicious cycle of not feeling good; being anxious that I am getting really sick again; wondering if the antibiotics worked or if I will have to endure another round of treatment (20-30% chance of this); concerned that I am not hungry; getting anxious about food; etc. etc. I can take a step back and see objectively that it could make sense that I have anxiety related to these things and all that I have been through. But what do I do with it?

What is at the heart of this anxiety and fear? Is it a lack of trust? Do I doubt that God really knows what is best for me? A lack of belief? Faith?

This season has caused me to be very introspective, which comes naturally to me, but this has been ridiculous. I don’t want to miss out on anything that God wants to teach me through all of this. He is an intentional God and brings things for my good and not for harm.

Lessons I have learned:

1). Sickness affects us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This cannot be understated, especially with long-term or chronic illness. I have needed healing in each area.

2). Spiritual Tools I have used to deal with anxiety

          listen to worship music

          prayer

          read scripture

          repeat scripture over and over

          listen to a  podcast

          journal

          filter out lies and replace them with truth

          have a plan before anxiety hits

          allow my husband and others to pray over me

3). There are several other methods of distraction to deal with anxiety, but in the end, they just don’t last and on their own, are not sufficient. God is the source of my strength and comfort. I am a trained counselor. I have read the books, taken the courses, and so many have asked me how to deal with anxiety. There are several practical things (relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, counseling tools, exercise, and sometimes medication) that we read in the textbooks. Our greatest resource is from our Creator. He knows us best and loves us. The simplicity of all this can be deceiving. It is a struggle when I am in the throws of dark anxiety.

4). Now it would be wonderful if these tools worked immediately, every time. That has not been the case for me. God methods are not a formula. A + B does not always equal C.  I noticed along the way that I was crying out to God in search of what He could do for me and not necessarily seeking Him for who He is.

         

5). What role does faith play (Eph. 6:16)?

This is still a mystery to me in some ways. I know that, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1-2) This is not easy when in a state of hopelessness. It takes great training of the mind and discipline to believe in the midst of seeming blindness. It is so important to know what promises are in the Bible because this is the truth I need to cling to; these are the things in which I need to place my hope and my faith.

6). Importance of believing your current state is not permanent.

This one gets me almost every time. Once I sink down into darkness, I falsely believe that is where I am destined to stay. This simply is not true! I have to be prepared for this and ready to combat it with truth when these thoughts come. My husband has been extremely helpful in giving me hope when I don’t have any of my own. He and others have spoken hope to me and reminded of truth. We all need this at some point.

7). Diligence of others praying, as well as personal prayer.

I am so thankful that I have so many people around the world that I can call on and know that they will be praying. I believe that prayer unleashes God’s power and puts things in motion. Technology is a wonderful thing and it allowed us to communicate with lots of people and receive encouragement from them. Along the way, I had to ask myself if I was spending the time in prayer myself that I needed to. I felt like I should be doing the very thing that I was asking others to do for me.

8). How to be a Holy sick person.

I am still working on this one. I want to please God even in the midst of suffering and struggles. What does this mean? I think my lack of faith and belief during the hard times is the primary obstacle to having His perspective.

9). Trusting the wisdom of others.

There are people who have walked this road and many harder than mine. Sometimes it is hard to know what we need in the middle of a trial and a trusted friend can lead us and help us in ways that we don’t even realize we need.

10). What to do when healing does not come when I want it?

This is the question; this is when it gets down to real life. I am not in control. God knows the number of my days, not me. He has a plan for me and He loves me. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Do I trust Him?

358 Days

This is the number of days our family has lived in India. As we come up on one year living on this side of the pond, it has caused me to be contemplative. I have been thinking about the things I have learned, how I have changed, how I thought it was going to be, and the reality of it all. I wish I could pull up all the details of the last months, but then there just wouldn't be enough time.....So here it goes (in no particular order).

We now live in a 3 bedroom flat (apartment) with a living room, kitchen, and dining room all contained in about 1100 sq. feet. We live on the second floor, which is really the third floor because the first floor is called the ground floor and there is no elevator. Our oven sits on top of the counter and it is big enough to hold a 9x13 pan.

We have a puja (poo-ja) room, which we use as a storage closet. Puja is the Hindu form of worship. Most homes and stores have areas set aside for idols and as a place to worship them with food, incense, ringing of bells, and chanting.

All of our outlets have an on/off switch and it is not at all unusual to get a shock when typing on the computer or plugging in a cell phone. We have a stabilizer hooked up to all our A/C window units to control the effects of fluctuations in electricity.

I have learned to write, read, and speak in Hindi (and the learning still continues on). Hindi is not based on the Roman alphabet, so it was starting all over again like a kindergartner. And let me say....that is what I sounded like most days.

I gave up Coke last May (my only source of caffeine) and it felt great; at least for 12 months and now I am back to indulging in one can a day. Sometimes Coke is safer than water. Oh well....

I now know what it feels like to try and function in 115 degrees.

I am surprised by the things that I can easily live without and by the things that I miss.

I buy our veggies and fruits from a guy selling them on a cart and buy groceries from a "store" that is the size of some walk-in closets in the States.

The veggies we have are roma tomatoes, white potatoes, red onions, okra, green beans, green peppers, garlic, green hot chilies, carrots, sometimes green onions, zucchini, spinach and lettuce, and several other things that I have been unable to identify.

The fruits we have are bananas, apples, watermelon, mangoes, oranges, grapes, pineapple, sometimes kiwi and strawberries.

I have not worn shorts outside of my house a single time.

I have seen the Taj Mahal, one of the great man-made wonders of the world, and it is truly magnificent.

I have not driven a car since last June and only ride in an A/C car on special occasions.

I have experienced the joy and extreme gratitude of seeing a significant reduction in my husband's migraines as a result of having heart surgery. I have also experienced the heartache of watching my children have headaches and normal life struggles.

I have experienced the peace, comfort, and strength from my heavenly Father like no other time in my life.

My incredible surprise at meeting others living here on mission from Australia, Korea, South Africa, and New Zealand. They are great people and we love hearing them talk.

I have experienced great fulfillment and contentment in counseling others who are here serving in this harvest field called South Asia, helping them to become whole as they fulfill God's purpose in their life.

I have walked underneath a stopped train to get to the other side of the tracks near our house, all the while praying that it does not suddenly move, causing me to perform some kind of Indiana Jones stunt.

Finding that I appreciate the order of American culture.

Disciplining myself to be thankful for my journey when I find thoughts of people, and places that I miss creep into my mind.

I have found the joy and wonderment of Pinterest and experienced the frustration of not being able to try out some things on Pinterest without the convenience of Hobby Lobby, canned crescent rolls, variety of cheeses, and rotel.

I have found myself in a place where I do not belong, while longing for my home in Heaven, wanting to see as many as possible from this nation around the throne.

Don't Fight India

"Embrace what God wants to teach you while you are here". I heard someone say this a couple of weeks ago and it has got me thinking. What are the ways in which I have been 'fighting India'? Well, it depends on the day as to how long or short the list is, but a few things have been swimming around in my mind lately....

*Some days I get really perturbed about my new dress code (or at least that is how I refer to it when I look in my closet each morning and try and decide what to wear). I have always tried to be modest in my dress, but feeling the need to dress a certain way (i.e. no shorts outside the house ever) sometimes really ruffles my feathers. Somehow I got the idea that dressing the way I want is my right....hmmm....those perceived personal rights of mine tend to get in the way.

*Some days I struggle with the things we are missing. Depending on the day, it ranges from Cheezits to 5k's at the kid's school to holidays to burgers to listening to the radio while driving my car to living in a culture that I understand. I have noticed that it takes more energy and intentionality to focus on the gift of living in another culture. The struggles seem to float to the surface a lot easier.

*A broader perspective on life and the world. I look around at the many temples and idols we pass daily. The outward worship of idols is so prevalent here. I often am saddened for the people and their unending attempt to appease their gods. I long for them to understand that God has provided a way for them to have a relationship with Him through His son, Jesus. He paid the price for their sin. They do not have to bring flowers or food, ring bells, light incense, or put marks on their forehead. None of those efforts will save them. Then I have to look at myself. Am I trying to do things to gain the approval of my Father? Do I think I will only be accepted by Him if I check everything off my list, be patient with my children, and put my husband ahead of myself? These are definitely things to strive for, but at the end of the day, His love for me does not change and is not based on the things I do or don't do. 

This is a journey and I welcome the things that God wants to teach me while we live here. I know that I can trust Him and that He is gentle and will work for my good.

Tuesday

Random thoughts running through my mind tonight:

I miss avocados and endemame.

Wondering how it is even possible that my kid has a 700 word rough draft due tomorrow and he is on word #330. It is 8:30 pm. Did I mention that this is the first we have heard of it?? Creative and logical consequences are running around in my head.

I can spend oodles of time looking at recipes online.

My oldest is officially as tall as I am.

I get really excited when my yeast dough rises.

Living in India and the idols I see every day brings a whole new context to the things I read in the Old Testament.

My kids make me laugh.

What Do You Do On Easter?

How did we celebrate Easter this year? I did not see a single Easter bunny, plastic egg, marshmallow peep, or cadbury egg commercial (assuming that they still play them).

Dakota just said, "And football, we didn't see any football this year!" Really??

We did go to a Good Friday service that was wonderful! We worshiped with people who do not look like us or talk like us, but we all sang praises to the same God and it was beautiful.

This morning we put on nice clothes (because that is what you do on Easter) and we went early to church for an International breakfast. What is that you ask? Well, it is when people from literally all over the world bring food to share. For breakfast this morning our family ate kim-pab (Korean food - like california roll), quiche, cinnamon rolls, marbled brownies, watermelon, banana bread, crepes, naan,  mo-mos (fried dumpling), Honeycombs and other unidentifiable foods.

We then went to a great service celebrating our risen Lord. We came home in an auto, our favored mode of transportation, while experiencing all the sights, smells, and sweat (99 F. today) of our city. The chicken (which is more the size of a cornish hen) was already in the crock-pot I found in the market that obviously had been imported from China (the crock pot, not the chicken), as evidenced by the different outlet and chinese writing on the side. I formed the rolls and set them in the pan for the second rising. I finished up the mashed potatoes, green beans and the icing for the carrot cake.

Our neighbors from upstairs came down for lunch. We were very excited that they accepted our invitation to come for lunch. They had been asking some questions about Easter and what it meant. It was a good time. It is a very interesting thing to try and explain why we do what we do on this day. They had questions about the food we eat, the Easter bunny, why we dye Easter eggs, how we prepared all the food, and whether or not we always drink water or tea while we eat, instead of after. All of the sudden, I felt completely incompetent as a good American and myself wondered why I missed seeing all of that plastic green grass that I banned from the house when the kids were little, as I talked about Easter baskets and egg hunts.

A favorite moment was when the eldest man (the owner of our building, around 70) was asked if he wanted a second helping of carrot cake. His answer was that he did not want more cake, but he did want more of the cream on top (cream cheese icing). Thankfully, I had some left over and was able to grant his request.

The best part of all was being able to talk to them about why Jesus died on the cross and what it means to us that He did not stay in the grave. We prayed before we ate lunch and they asked, "Do you always pray like that before a meal?" I wasn't expecting this question and it made me realize how far a Hindu has to come to find the Savior.

We finished the night with our family watching Courageous, laughing together, and being thankful (in the midst of the ever-crazy routine of the children getting more and more wound up the closer it gets to bed time).



Bonus: My $2 top and $1 scarf I found in the market last night! And just the right color for Easter.

You want to worship My daughter?

Yesterday was the end of Vasanti Navratri. This is a Hindu celebration that included several days of fasting and the worship of Lakshmi (a goddess). On the 9th day of the celebration they give gifts to and worship prepubescent girls as "...a virgin girl is the symbol of the pure basic creative force".
When the neighbors asked about worshiping my daughter I was completely thrown off. It was Palm Sunday and I had been pondering the work of our Lord on this day and the coming week that culminates with the Creator God giving Himself as the ultimate sacrifice. Worshiping anyone or anything just doesn't register.
Karley is beautiful and in many ways she is quite innocent. At the same time, she has done many things wrong. She has little power in the world, which people remind her on a regular basis.
So...no you can not worship my daughter. She is not worthy of praise or adoration in the same way as the Most High. Today let us reconsider what we are worshiping, either in word or deed. We may not be so forthright in our worship, blatantly bowing down before our children, but if cater to their every desire and provide them with more than we can afford, maybe we are.

Holy Holi

I wrote this back in March. Today is India's color festival. It is called Holi and its origins were described to me today. It is amazing religious holiday that baffles me. We saw several neighbors wiping color on each other then hugging. Some of our friends saw a huge fight break out between two families, adults and kids alike. It was described as the day many get hammered and then drive around. Someone else called it the national ballon and color fight. One other description was that it is a day for reconciliation.
For us it was memorable day of fun and adventure and another day to realize that we don't live in America. Our language teacher asked is to describe the "color holiday" in America. She was surprised to learn that like many other holidays here, they are based on religious customs that we don't share.
Like many holidays in America that started as Holy days, the contrast of the different expressions of this day reveal culture's influence on religion and religion's influence on culture.
Knowing a holidays origin brings great insight.

I am so saree

I bought a saree today. I have been putting it off and I am not sure why. For some reason, I have been keeping the whole process at a hand's distance away. This may be more of a stream of consciousness, rather than collective thoughts but I am going to try my fingers at some internal processing through the keyboard.


The saree is a very traditional dress for Indian women. It is worn when attending a wedding or formal event (the more glitter and bling the better) and some women wear more casual ones every day. I know that teachers in Indian schools are expected to wear them and also flight attendants with a particular airline.

This picture depicts what I hoped the experience would be like, but reality whispered to me that it would be different. Some of the questions running through my head were.....what do you do with all that material? how many pieces are involved? why is is okay to show your stomach in this culture when wearing a saree?(the blouse part under would be considered a mid-drift top) what do you wear under it? how do you put it on?  how much do they cost? where do I go buy one? am I going to get ridiculously ripped off?(that one is a given most of the time) what is the process? does it involve going to a tailor? and on and on.

Seth and I have been invited to a wedding, so this was the time. After language class yesterday, we went to a market near our house and were going to make it happen. I really had to work myself up to it, which didn't really make sense to me. People do this all the time. It should be fun to go shopping for a nice outfit. Well, when you are comfortable in your surroundings, know the language, and the system of doing things, this would be true. But alas, we live in India. Need I say more??

Back to yesterday. We found a shop that had "saree" in the name and we thought that a good sign. There were a few mannequins outside the store with pretty sarees on them.  We walked down about three steps to enter the store. A gentleman opened the door for us and I took a deep breath. The store was about the size of a smallish bedroom. There were shelves on three walls that went up about 6 feet high. On the shelves were bundles of sarees all in individual plastic wrapping. There must have been thousands of them packed into this small store. There was a man sitting at a desk immediately to the right as we walked in and there was a wooden platform about 2 feet off the ground that ran the length of the store. On the platform was mattresses with white sheets on the them and benches for the customers next to them. There were about 6 salesmen sitting cross-legged (I dare not use the other term :P) on the mattresses. There was not a woman in sight, which is odd but quite common in the shops.  Needless to say, we were the center of attention and the only customers. We told them what we were looking for (our language teachers gave us some useful phrases in class that morning) and they told us to take a seat on a bench. One man asked how much I wanted to spend and then another man started bringing several packages over to where we were. I really wanted to get up myself and look through the stacks (which Seth eventually did and I am pretty sure that was a major cultural feaux pas), but I kept my seat and said yes or no with each one that he brought out. Part of the problem was that I really didn't know what I was wanting. There were a gagillion choices and I am still not convinced that I am the sari type. Although, I am realizing that what I think I am or am not is sometimes completely irrelevant.

I narrowed it down  to a few possibilities and then it was time to try them on. I stood up and another man put a velcro strap around my waist. He began folding the yards and yards of material in a fan-like pattern and tucked and pulled and wrapped until it was all draped around me. Apparently part of the big piece of material is cut off to make the blouse and then a petticoat of some kind goes under everything. It is all very complicated and I never thought I would say this, but I miss the days of wearing a panya in West Africa. But that is another story. 

After I made my choice (which could have potentially taken hours), we paid for the saree and a man walked us over to where the store's tailor was. There I choose the neckline and sleeves on the blouse and he took all sorts of measurements. I will pick it up later this weekend. Then I went further into the market to buy matching bangles, which is a necessity when wearing a saree, or so I am told. This was a much less overwhelming experience and I am all about the bangles. We had a very interesting spiritual conversation with that shopkeeper and look forward to continuing to interact with him. I think that is my new go-to place for bangles (if anyone wants to come visit).

I have been trying to discern why this was such a big deal for me and I am realizing that it is not necessarily about the saree. It is more about what it represents, I think. It represents the culture here. I am putting on part of the culture when I put on a saree. How much of my own known, comfortable, and easy culture do I have to take off in order to put on a saree? I can't be carrying around too much culture because it is quickly getting hot here :)  Seriously, this is a foreign place and it feels foreign in so many ways. I am realizing how much I like the picture of who I am and what I represent back in the States, and now I have thrown a basket of all those things up in the air and they are slowly falling. Some things will make it into the basket and some will not. New things need to be put into the basket and some things that were in there have risen to the top of the basket.  I am continually thankful for a God who knows me, who made me, and who loves me.

I am not a good patient

Well, it hit us this weekend. Seth and I both had a stomach bug of some kind. We have been mostly healthy for the entire 6 months we have lived in India, until this weekend.  It really was not as bad as it could have been and the kids have not gotten it so far, for which we are very thankful.

I am still down with it and cannot seem to shake it. I am not good at being sick. It just doesn't sit right with me. I want to be able to do what I want/need to do and I get frustrated when my body does not cooperate. Oh well, no amount of complaining will change anything...it is what it is.

On the up side, we had a great relaxing weekend and I am so glad the kids are old enough to fend for themselves, so to speak. There was no shortage of movies watched (Step Up 3 was not too bad!) or apple products handled.

We could  not make it to church and so we had a worship time with the family. Seth requested that we all bring a verse and a song that we wanted to share. It was so great! I was amazed at how real the Father was in the simplicity of our time together.

Favorite quote of the weekend from Dakota: "For my funeral, I want to have a dance party and wear purple".

Pain and Disappointment

     The previous post, December 11, 2011 was deleted after I got the worst migraine I have had to this point while in India. I have had the awesome privilege of a very blessed life. I have three amazing children, brought into the world by a beautiful bride that I cherish and would give my life for. Almost every dream I have ever had has been fulfilled.  I am now living a life full of peace and joy.  So, when that migraine hit, just a few days after the PFO closure, I was devastated.  For years I have dreamed of having this closure, with the hope that I would no longer experience the anxiety and pain that many of you know comes with a life of migraine.  Most months I had 10-15 headaches, most of which were hidden from work and friends, but very real for my family and me. So, the previous post was written the night before this migraine.  I have to say that the crisis of faith was overwhelming. I haven't doubted the love and salvation of our all sufficient God at all since I was 16.  The on the 12th of December 2011 my world crashed!
     So, why did I repost the story from the 11th? For two reasons.
     First, my finite understanding of God has grown.  I realize that there is nothing that is going to happen in this life that will change God's all powerful and loving passion for humanity.  I may join the great crowd of witnesses that never saw their vision/dreams become reality.  I may have the privilege of living out a life here that feels less than complete, not quite whole and even disappointing.  As long as I cling to the Him and remain obedient, I will die at peace and pray that I will have lived a life spent for the Kingdom even if it is full of pain and suffering.
     Second, I haven't had a migraine since the 12th of December 2011.  Therefore, I feel it is my responsibility to share my struggle and small vision as well as the amazing victory.  I have learned from Stephen Hammond's example that it is necessary for those around us to see our struggles and successes.  We all share the free will that often gets us in trouble.  So, I now rejoice, not just from being pain free for over a month, but also because I now feel the need to be responsible for the gift of many hours each month that can be redeemed for the King.
    So, it is with great celebration and peace that I am thrilled to give God the glory for the pain, the doubt and relief that I have found.  And now....we fast.   Join Mosaic of Arlington as we embark on this journey together.  

Originally posted on December 11, 2011

Medanta Hospital, December 6, 2011
Seth had a PFO Closure completed on Tuesday. It was discovered during a Migraine research study in 2007 that he in fact had a Patent Foramen Ovale, a hole between the chambers of his heart.  The relationship is said to exist if the blood that has not been filtered is able to get through the hole and then travel to places only filtered should go.  The research study was called the Escape Migraine study and in order to qualify you had to have been placed on many kinds of medications to treat migraine and they all needed to have been found less than completely effective.  For Seth, he had been to 5 neurologist, including a few headache clinics over the last 15 years, acupuncturist, chiropractors, physical therapists, and even tried all manner of minerals, vitamins and homeopathic treatments.. Over the course of that time, one medication after another would work for a while, but then would stop working, some relief might be experienced for a short time with a new therapy or the migraines would get worse.  Engaging in strenuous physical activities lead to migraine.  Over the years, one food after another was eliminated from his diet in the search for the complicated factors that seem to be causing his migraines.
This research study seemed to hold a key element that hadn't been approached before, and possibly even a glimmer of hope for some relief.  As it turned out, Seth was part of the control group, so he didn't get the hole fixed.  Over the last few years in the States, we talked with different doctors about the possibility of the surgery being completed, based on the correlation of PFO and stroke.  With a history of stroke in the family, we thought there would be a chance of having the surgery done, in spite of the fact that the FDA has yet to confirm a link to migraine.  In the end in took leaving the country to find a neurologist/cardiologist team that understood the benefit of the closure, from a stroke standpoint, but possibly also for migraine treatment.
Thursday of the previous week, things were set in motion to fix the PFO as doctors in South Asia perform this closure often to prevent stroke.  Seth was admitted Monday, had surgery Tuesday morning and on Wednesday came home.  He has yet to have a migraine.  He waited a few days and today tested his luck.  After only a few hours of sleep last night (one trigger), we headed off for a soccer game (extended sun light was a trigger), he ran (another trigger), the came home and had a Twix (another major trigger), we watched a movie before dark (trigger), wore cologne for a date (trigger) and now after being awake almost 17 hours, he is still headache free. 
We are not sure how long this will last, but how fun to get to try things again and see some success.  We know that in all things there is a plan. This pain has been very helpful in counseling others.  This pain has been used time and again as part of the Master plan, but oh how great it would be to see Seth become all that he might be.  Over time, he has been less and less faithful in many of the disciplines, including fasting, as missing meals were triggers.  Many said there was a spiritual element, and there may very well have been and may be even now. The hope is that freedom from fear would great growth in his desire and obedience.  Thanks a ton for your prayers over the last week and years.  Many have invested much time in us, which is why this long blog is here.  So, may He get praise, may He be honored even more in our lives as we strive for His Kingdom to come and His will to be done.

A funny thing happened on the way to the post office (or post as it is called here)

One of my recent projects/challenges/cultural experiences has been to mail a small box of souvenir type things back to our family in the States.

Step 1: Go shopping for souvenirs. This was the fun part!
Step 2: Find a box and pack it with items. No problem; we had an over-sized shoe box from Noah's cleats. Packing things in a box so that they fit just right is secretly one of my favorite things.  I am pretty sure I got this gene from my Dad.
Step 3: Find neighborhood post office.
Step 4: Take box to post office and mail it. This is where it gets really fun and a lot more complicated than it sounds. We went to the post office around 3:45 after we got the kids home from school and settled doing homework. We walked in and there were four windows. Only one window had a person behind it so we went to that window and told the gentleman that we wanted to mail this box to the US. He pointed to the window next to us and said we needed to be at that window. We stepped aside to that window and proceeded to wait for someone to come and help us. No one came and finally a man sitting behind a desk in the back of the office told us to ask the man at the window next to us what we needed. At least I think that is what he said by his hand gestures and because I understood the word for "ask". We stepped back over to the window next to us and again told the man that we wanted to mail the box to the US. He said that we needed to be at the window where we were standing but that window closes at 3:30. Really?????!!! But we also found out that the box needed to be wrapped in "markin" and stitched.
Step 5: Go to market to find "markin". We started at Gupta's because we know the owner (we have been to his store to practice language and tell him stories). He gave us beige material that looked kind of like cheesecloth.
Step 6: Find a tailor to stitch the material around the box. The first tailor we went to did not speak a lick of English and he finally understood what we needed. He kept turning the box different ways trying to figure out how to wrap the material around and quickly we realized this probably was not the best way to go about getting this done. We then went to a different tailor and waited a few minutes for him to finish the project he was working on. Then it was our turn and the tailor said that we could not use the material because it had writing on it (stamp marks on the material). We went to a different material store and bought some more material, took it back to the tailor to stitch it. He proceeded to measure the box and he made a really cool perfectly fitted sleeve of material to cover the box.
Step 7: Mail the box. Okay, now we were ready to head back to the post office the next day. We were on our way to the post office and we saw a guy selling sweet potatoes. The way the people eat them here is roasted over a fire and then eaten with lemon and spices on top. I have been wanting to see if I could buy the raw sweet potatoes and cook them myself at home.  We stopped the guy and tried to ask him if all the sweet potatoes had been roasted already.  We have not covered that in language class yet so we were not getting very far. Three ladies walked by and we asked them if they knew any English.  They did know some and they were very helpful in helping us to communicate to the sweet potato walla. Then one of the ladies looked at me and said that she wanted to invite us to her house (right then). It was one of those moments that had to be divinely orchestrated so we accepted their invitation and walked with them to their flat. Along the way, we found out that their family was from Afghanistan and consisted of mom and 6 children (most are older teenagers and young adults). Their dad was killed by another family member and they cannot be in their country because of family problems. We had a very nice visit in their 5th floor very small flat. They were extremely hospitable and very kind. We hope to further our friendship with their family.
Back to the story....we went to the post office and walked up to the correct window.  He told us where to write the sending and return address, and the custom forms that needed to be filled out. We paid the fees and were on our way to pick up the kids at school.

Overall, it was a relatively painless experience and very successful.  I never did find out why the package had to be stitched in material.  Oh, the many mysteries of living in another country!

Happy Halloween......from Whippleville

We missed out on the aisles and aisles of candy, the costumes, the decorations, and all that goes along with the upcoming candy fest. But we did celebrate in our own way this year!

We decided not to carve the pumpkin so that I could cook it and make pumpkin bars, cookies, bread, etc. We have our priorities straight!

But we did decorate it.  We did not set it outside because I didn't think our neighbors would understand and it would just leave them wondering why those weird Americans have a decorated pumpkin outside their door :)

Even though we did not go trick-or-treating, we managed to have fun.  When the kids came home from school, I had the door locked and when they tried to come in, I opened the door and said, "Oh look at the trick-or-treaters we have!  What are you dressed as?" They played along and I gave them some special candy from a bowl - snickers bars and sour punch candy straws.

For dinner, I wanted to have a little taste of America as well. We had corn dogs (I had to look up a recipe and they turned really pretty good) and mac-n-cheese. For dessert, I made soft-baked pumpkin cookies.

The kids had a friend from school over and she ate with us.  She is from Australia and knew about Halloween, although they do not celebrate it.  It was fun to include her in our talk about all things American related to Oct. 31st.

I realized that I did not get any "good" candy for myself, which, as most of you know, is one of the big perks of being a mom of kids who go trick-or-treating. No worries; my wonderful husband had to go to the pharmacy to get meds (around the corner) and he brought me back  a surprise......my very own snickers bar (and it is bigger than the one I got for the kids).

All in all, I cannot complain. I am very thankful that we get to experience a new culture, with all of its customs, and keep our own special traditions of our home culture.

My New Shoes

I bought a pair of shoes the other day from a store in a market near our flat. It was a small store (about 12 X 15 ft) with LOTS of mirrors and glittery shoes. My daughter was mesmerized by all the sparkle. I already had an idea of what I was looking for and I started my search. There was no shortage of employees to help me in my search. I might mention, at this point, that we live in a city of about 20 million people. I found shoes that I liked and immediately a gentleman was close by to get me the right size. I watched as he walked to the middle of the store, looked up into a hole in the ceiling that was about 2 X 2 ft and said something. A few minutes later, a shoe box fell from the hole.  Seriously, there was a shoe fairy up there getting the requested sizes and throwing them down! I tried on the shoes and told the man that I wanted to buy them. He pointed me to a counter at the front of the store (actually just a few feet away). He walked with me and handed the shoe box to another man. I stood at the counter while another man punched in the price, printed a receipt, and handed it to me. I took out my money to pay and the man pointed to another man at the end of the counter. I stepped over a couple of feet  and handed my receipt to man and paid him. He stamped my receipt "paid" and gave it back to me. I took it and realized that I did not have the shoe box. I looked behind me and saw yet another man with my shoes in a plastic bag. I handed him my receipt and he stamped "delivered", gave it back to me with my shoes.

I do not say all of this to be critical at all. I find it amazing that so many employees can work in one store. Each person had their designated role and it worked. I guess in a city of so many people, lots of jobs are needed. Everyday is an adventure!

This picture is for illustration purposes only :)

My New Normal

I look around me and I realize this is my new normal and I am not sure what to think about it most days. Here are some examples of my new normal.....
*I am cooking a lot more for many reasons. One, I like to cook on most days. Two, most things have to be made from scratch (muffins, rolls, tortillas, brownies, cookies, sauces, etc.). Three, making a good tasting meal brings me much satisfaction (and my family) in the midst of feeling infantile in language learning most of the time.
*If no water comes out of the faucet, I have to turn on a switch in my kitchen which brings water from the pipes in the ground to the tanks on the roof. But I HAVE to set a timer to remind myself to turn off the switch in 15 minutes so that the tank does not overflow. Can you tell we have forgotten a time or two? Oooops.
*We have a small washing machine that sits on the back balcony because that is where the water supply is and we do not have a dryer, so we hang our clothes out to dry.  No more doing laundry whenever. I can only do one load a day so that I have enough room to dry clothes and do it early in the day so that they have enough time to dry the clothes. That reminds me, I need to go hang the clothes out!
*Mother Dairy is a major part of our life here, maybe a little more that it should be, but don't judge us :) There is a stand about 2 blocks from our house. They sell milk in a bag (not good according to Dakota) and ice cream (very good). I wasn't really that much of an ice cream fan in the States, but here the vanilla choco bliss definitely makes me feel better on some days. It is vanilla ice cream in a sugar cone.  There is chocolate on top and on the inside of the cone. Good stuff!  They also have mango raspberry popsicles for the lighter days.
*Along those same lines, I am amazed at how much of our comfort centers around food, or at least it did.  When we first arrived in country and I did not really know what to make, I really dreaded the "what's for dinner" question. Finding cereal that was likeable to all was a challenge. Seth and I settled on one that is like granola, kind-of, and the kids settled on honey cornflakes.  The crazy thing is that you can get just about any cereal you want... for a price (fruity pebbles is about $10 a box).  Then we also had to find suitable snacks (for lunches, etc.).  They all seemed to have a South Asian flare to them. Things are much better now as I right this and we know where to get what, but it was a process. Let me just say that certain snacks that we have gotten in packages from some family and friends are huge blessings.
*I have also seen some of my rough edges. When resources are in short supply, we tend to be greedy, which has been interesting to observe in our family.
*The portions are also a lot smaller, and food does not keep as long, which means that we go to buy food often, most every day. This could seem inefficient if coming from an American mindset, but we are having to change the way we look at things. For instance, going to the market more often allows for relationship building.
*Getting excited about finding mini chocolate chips! It's the little things on some days!!! Get it? :)
*Things are measured according to the metric system. Do you know how many green beans are in a kilo??? A LOT. Butter is sold in grams and it doesn't have the nice measuring marks on the wrapper.  For someone who likes to cook with exact measurements, this could be challenging. The internet is a great resource, again and again.
*Cable TV costs about $7 a month and the data plan on our phone is $2 a month. And we have a bunch of English channels.
*I say things like "Did you remember to turn your geyser (gee-ser) on?" to my children.  Each bathroom has a small water heater called a geyser. It is turned on with a switch and takes about 15 minutes to heat up the water for a shower.
*We can take the kids to school in a bike rickshaw.
*We often have to bargain to get a good price for an auto or rickshaw.
*We have to think about it before we plug things in because stuff from the States is 110 and it is 220 here. Certain things need to have a converter. Thankfully, there has not been a lot of trial and error in this category.
*Getting my haircut used to be something I looked forward to and enjoyed very much.  Here, it is just stressful. Will I be understood? What will it look like? I am confident that with time, I will get to where I look forward to it and enjoy it once again.
*The boys can get a haircut down the street for a $1 so I don't cut their hair myself anymore.
*I spend about 25-30 hours a week studying language and culture, which is painful at this point but it will get better.

Most of all, my new normal is finding out what life looks now. I am a learner. My roles have changed. I can't depend on what I knew and have to find a new way to do things and function. My new normal includes strength and peace from my Father. It has to. I have seen the Scriptures come alive for me in new ways, for which I am very grateful.

invitations...

the last few weeks i have received and given a variety of invitations.  some i gladly took and was thrilled to be a part of.  others i  tried to find ways to decline and still others i felt i needed to accept for the pure thrill of the new experience.  today i created an invitation in a new language, with the help of a friend. i gave it out, not knowing for sure what it said, but trusting that i was inviting friends to a yeshu satsang, a truth gathering for the Sustainer. while i have had the privilege of inviting several into a new relationship with the Sustainer, i have found it most difficult to understand what it is i am asking or expecting or even explaining, as this is not my culture.
one recent invitation led Denise and i to dinner with a gathering leader that gave insight into the mindset differences to those who live here in south asia.  to become a Follower here legally means that you are cut off from family, you can not receive inheritance and many other complications to the simple faith that is asked of us.  government and tradition have clouded that simple invitation to give up everything that we and our household may come.  so, i have invited a follower and guru (teacher) to my house to help me explain to my friends here what it looks like to be in the world and but love only One.  soon we will get together over vegan food, words and music that are foreign to me and sit on the floor.  the hope is that we will all hear and act on a divine Invitation.

taj mahal

how whippleville does the taj mahal....(not necessarily recommended for general public)

• 4am wakeup
• breakfast
  
• taxi before dawn to new delhi station
  
• a line outside the train station wrapping around sleeping people
  


• going in the train station exit to board with the others who didn't want to wait in line, with approval
• boarding via platform 9 3/4 (for you potter fans - which Noah was compared to all day long)
• breakfast #2 potato logs of some sort, carrots and green beans, toast and butter
  
• shared truth with a Sikh man (seth)
• sat next to an Indian who recruits for a firm in Dallas, who was very
  much in control of her own destiny (Denise)
• arrive in Agra before most things open, so we go with our friends who have yet to eat breakfast to an old hangout for breakfast #3.
  
• transfer from car to camel for final leg of journey to the Taj Mahal as they do not allow motor vehicles to get anywhere close to it.
  
• now...pictures are better than words

driving....

i feel like a teenager again. i have to say, that is the first time i have said that-i think , ever but i have a good reason. i got to drive yesterday for the first time since we landed in our new country. if you know me, you know how i love cars. our company has a great idea for helping us engage with people, learn language and build relationship....ride the local transportation. the purpose is served, and our skills are getting better all the time, though i have to say at this point that i still don't feel like i have enough language to get much past greeting and labeling a few things. but, i have made several friends over these friends. so, we have some friends who have been picking up the kids and taking them to school in the mornings, very cool. shout out to Ray and Luis! so, they were shifting flats (moving to a new place) and weren't able to pick up their daughter. they asked if i could use their car to pick up all the kids.

now we come full circle.. i feel like a teenager again. so after getting the truck in reverse, and carefully backing out of the spot, with much help from D so i didn't knock over the motorcycle parked in the same spot, quite literally, we were off. D asks, "what side of the road are you supposed to be on?" i was thankful that we were in the neighborhood still and that the car coming was going as slow as i was. i corrected that mistake and then once at the end of the block realized that i really didn't know how to get to the kid's school from our friend's house. we drove a couple of blocks, with guys trying to squeeze past us and telling me to move further into my lane, and finally i realized where we were. i mentioned how glad i was that we hadn't hit anyone to which i heard, "what a great standard you have set." i am glad to report that we made it to the school and back and am quite confident that no one was the wiser. it is quite common for people to drive offensively and sometimes are quite oblivious to others on the road. on the back of many trucks are the words "horn please". they are asking you to let them know that you are there. i have heard it said, that if you don't honk and you hit someone else, it can be blamed on you for not giving them warning of your presence.

so, one spiritual thought i have in this. does Jesus have to honk to get my attention or am i watching out to see if He is moving around me. am i waiting for him to scare me before i pay attention to Him? i think i want to be more aware of Him than that.

i also think that when i start driving here in the next year or so, i will be glad to honk to let others know that i am here.

seth