This would be the title of the latest chapter in the book of
my life, which, by the way, I have no intention of writing. I have been dealing
with sickness off and on since the end of July (over 3 months). This has been
the darkest time for the longest period of time in my life. I have known for a
long time that sickness, in myself and/or in my family, is one of the hardest
struggles for me, something that can trigger immediate anxiety. I feel
powerless, and out of control; not knowing how long the sickness will last or
how many family members will be affected. I don’t like not being able to do the
things that are part of the normal routines of life. I don’t like missing out
on things because of sickness.
For me, during this time, I would get sick for several days
and then get better for about a week. The sickness would then return and this
pattern continued on for weeks. I went to the doctor to break this pattern and
this began a series of tests and a long list of medications, which had
significant side effects. This went on for weeks with no answers. Finally,
after a 3-day hospital stay and an endoscopy, I was diagnosed with H. Pylori. I
was relieved to have a diagnosis, but this knowledge in and of itself did not
make me feel better physically. I was so depleted physically and emotionally by
this point.
I was still getting fever every few days and the doctor did
not have an explanation for this, as it is not associated with my diagnosis. He
wanted to wait to start the course of antibiotics until I charted the fever for
several days. I was discouraged by this, but now I see it was God’s plan all
along and Him demonstrating His grace and mercy to me.
A few days after getting out of the hospital here in Delhi , some in leadership with our company advised me to
go to Bangkok
to get some answers and go to the doctors there. We trusted them and all five
of us got on a plane the next day.
I spent eight days in the hospital there and received
excellent care, as well as another diagnosis of tropical sprue. I started the
treatment for H. Pylori which consisted of a combination of 3 antibiotics, acid
blockers, as well as lots of nausea medication via pills and IV. It was the
sickest I have ever been. I was tremendously weak, staying in bed for entire
hospital stay, and my weight continued to drop off. My husband and kids came to
the hospital each day and stayed with me until it was time for them to go back
to the guest house and sleep. They loved me and supported me in a way that was
new for our family and they did a great job.
After I was released from the hospital, we stayed in Bangkok for a few more
days for a follow-up appointment with my doctor. My blood levels were coming up
to normal; my energy and appetite was far from normal. The doctor told me it
would take time. I was so tired of waiting and feeling weak. I so desperately
wanted to be fully healthy again.
I have finished one course of treatment and will be on
another antibiotic to get rid of the sprue for the next 6 months. Some energy
and appetite returned for a couple of weeks and now it seems that in some ways,
I am back where I was before, with very little appetite and I am not sure why.
The most disheartening and difficult part of this whole
ordeal has been the emotional effect my physical sickness has had on me. It is
a vicious cycle of not feeling good; being anxious that I am getting really
sick again; wondering if the antibiotics worked or if I will have to endure
another round of treatment (20-30% chance of this); concerned that I am not
hungry; getting anxious about food; etc. etc. I can take a step back and see
objectively that it could make sense that I have anxiety related to these
things and all that I have been through. But what do I do with it?
What is at the heart of this anxiety and fear? Is it a lack
of trust? Do I doubt that God really knows what is best for me? A lack of
belief? Faith?
This season has caused me to be very introspective, which
comes naturally to me, but this has been ridiculous. I don’t want to miss out
on anything that God wants to teach me through all of this. He is an
intentional God and brings things for my good and not for harm.
Lessons I have learned:
1). Sickness affects us physically, emotionally, and
spiritually. This cannot be understated, especially with long-term or
chronic illness. I have needed healing in each area.
2). Spiritual Tools I have used to deal with anxiety
listen to worship
music
prayer
read
scripture
repeat
scripture over and over
listen to
a podcast
journal
filter out
lies and replace them with truth
have a plan
before anxiety hits
allow my
husband and others to pray over me
3). There are several other methods of distraction to deal
with anxiety, but in the end, they just don’t last and on their own, are not
sufficient. God is the source of my strength and comfort. I am a trained
counselor. I have read the books, taken the courses, and so many have asked me
how to deal with anxiety. There are several practical things (relaxation
techniques, breathing exercises, counseling tools, exercise, and sometimes
medication) that we read in the textbooks. Our greatest resource is from our
Creator. He knows us best and loves us. The simplicity of all this can be
deceiving. It is a struggle when I am in the throws of dark anxiety.
4). Now it would be wonderful if these tools worked
immediately, every time. That has not been the case for me. God methods are not
a formula. A + B does not always equal C.
I noticed along the way that I was crying out to God in search of
what He could do for me and not necessarily seeking Him for who He is.
5). What role does faith play (Eph. 6:16)?
This is still a mystery to me in some ways. I know that, “Faith
is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we
do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1-2) This is not easy when in a state of hopelessness.
It takes great training of the mind and discipline to believe in the midst of
seeming blindness. It is so important to know what promises are in the Bible
because this is the truth I need to cling to; these are the things in which I
need to place my hope and my faith.
6). Importance of believing your current state is not
permanent.
This one gets me almost every time. Once I sink down into
darkness, I falsely believe that is where I am destined to stay. This simply is
not true! I have to be prepared for this and ready to combat it with truth when
these thoughts come. My husband has been extremely helpful in giving me hope
when I don’t have any of my own. He and others have spoken hope to me and
reminded of truth. We all need this at some point.
7). Diligence of others praying, as well as personal
prayer.
I am so thankful that I have so many people around the world
that I can call on and know that they will be praying. I believe that prayer unleashes
God’s power and puts things in motion. Technology is a wonderful thing and it
allowed us to communicate with lots of people and receive encouragement from
them. Along the way, I had to ask myself if I was spending the time in prayer
myself that I needed to. I felt like I should be doing the very thing that I
was asking others to do for me.
8). How to be a Holy sick person.
I am still working on this one. I want to please God even in
the midst of suffering and struggles. What does this mean? I think my lack of
faith and belief during the hard times is the primary obstacle to having His
perspective.
9). Trusting the wisdom of others.
There are people who have walked this road and many harder
than mine. Sometimes it is hard to know what we need in the middle of a trial
and a trusted friend can lead us and help us in ways that we don’t even realize
we need.
10). What to do when healing does not come when I want
it?
This is the question; this is when it gets down to real
life. I am not in control. God knows the number of my days, not me. He has a
plan for me and He loves me. For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans
to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Do I trust Him?
