When Sickness Takes Over

This would be the title of the latest chapter in the book of my life, which, by the way, I have no intention of writing. I have been dealing with sickness off and on since the end of July (over 3 months). This has been the darkest time for the longest period of time in my life. I have known for a long time that sickness, in myself and/or in my family, is one of the hardest struggles for me, something that can trigger immediate anxiety. I feel powerless, and out of control; not knowing how long the sickness will last or how many family members will be affected. I don’t like not being able to do the things that are part of the normal routines of life. I don’t like missing out on things because of sickness.

For me, during this time, I would get sick for several days and then get better for about a week. The sickness would then return and this pattern continued on for weeks. I went to the doctor to break this pattern and this began a series of tests and a long list of medications, which had significant side effects. This went on for weeks with no answers. Finally, after a 3-day hospital stay and an endoscopy, I was diagnosed with H. Pylori. I was relieved to have a diagnosis, but this knowledge in and of itself did not make me feel better physically. I was so depleted physically and emotionally by this point.

I was still getting fever every few days and the doctor did not have an explanation for this, as it is not associated with my diagnosis. He wanted to wait to start the course of antibiotics until I charted the fever for several days. I was discouraged by this, but now I see it was God’s plan all along and Him demonstrating His grace and mercy to me.

A few days after getting out of the hospital here in Delhi, some in leadership with our company advised me to go to Bangkok to get some answers and go to the doctors there. We trusted them and all five of us got on a plane the next day.

I spent eight days in the hospital there and received excellent care, as well as another diagnosis of tropical sprue. I started the treatment for H. Pylori which consisted of a combination of 3 antibiotics, acid blockers, as well as lots of nausea medication via pills and IV. It was the sickest I have ever been. I was tremendously weak, staying in bed for entire hospital stay, and my weight continued to drop off. My husband and kids came to the hospital each day and stayed with me until it was time for them to go back to the guest house and sleep. They loved me and supported me in a way that was new for our family and they did a great job.

After I was released from the hospital, we stayed in Bangkok for a few more days for a follow-up appointment with my doctor. My blood levels were coming up to normal; my energy and appetite was far from normal. The doctor told me it would take time. I was so tired of waiting and feeling weak. I so desperately wanted to be fully healthy again.

I have finished one course of treatment and will be on another antibiotic to get rid of the sprue for the next 6 months. Some energy and appetite returned for a couple of weeks and now it seems that in some ways, I am back where I was before, with very little appetite and I am not sure why.

The most disheartening and difficult part of this whole ordeal has been the emotional effect my physical sickness has had on me. It is a vicious cycle of not feeling good; being anxious that I am getting really sick again; wondering if the antibiotics worked or if I will have to endure another round of treatment (20-30% chance of this); concerned that I am not hungry; getting anxious about food; etc. etc. I can take a step back and see objectively that it could make sense that I have anxiety related to these things and all that I have been through. But what do I do with it?

What is at the heart of this anxiety and fear? Is it a lack of trust? Do I doubt that God really knows what is best for me? A lack of belief? Faith?

This season has caused me to be very introspective, which comes naturally to me, but this has been ridiculous. I don’t want to miss out on anything that God wants to teach me through all of this. He is an intentional God and brings things for my good and not for harm.

Lessons I have learned:

1). Sickness affects us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This cannot be understated, especially with long-term or chronic illness. I have needed healing in each area.

2). Spiritual Tools I have used to deal with anxiety

          listen to worship music

          prayer

          read scripture

          repeat scripture over and over

          listen to a  podcast

          journal

          filter out lies and replace them with truth

          have a plan before anxiety hits

          allow my husband and others to pray over me

3). There are several other methods of distraction to deal with anxiety, but in the end, they just don’t last and on their own, are not sufficient. God is the source of my strength and comfort. I am a trained counselor. I have read the books, taken the courses, and so many have asked me how to deal with anxiety. There are several practical things (relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, counseling tools, exercise, and sometimes medication) that we read in the textbooks. Our greatest resource is from our Creator. He knows us best and loves us. The simplicity of all this can be deceiving. It is a struggle when I am in the throws of dark anxiety.

4). Now it would be wonderful if these tools worked immediately, every time. That has not been the case for me. God methods are not a formula. A + B does not always equal C.  I noticed along the way that I was crying out to God in search of what He could do for me and not necessarily seeking Him for who He is.

         

5). What role does faith play (Eph. 6:16)?

This is still a mystery to me in some ways. I know that, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1-2) This is not easy when in a state of hopelessness. It takes great training of the mind and discipline to believe in the midst of seeming blindness. It is so important to know what promises are in the Bible because this is the truth I need to cling to; these are the things in which I need to place my hope and my faith.

6). Importance of believing your current state is not permanent.

This one gets me almost every time. Once I sink down into darkness, I falsely believe that is where I am destined to stay. This simply is not true! I have to be prepared for this and ready to combat it with truth when these thoughts come. My husband has been extremely helpful in giving me hope when I don’t have any of my own. He and others have spoken hope to me and reminded of truth. We all need this at some point.

7). Diligence of others praying, as well as personal prayer.

I am so thankful that I have so many people around the world that I can call on and know that they will be praying. I believe that prayer unleashes God’s power and puts things in motion. Technology is a wonderful thing and it allowed us to communicate with lots of people and receive encouragement from them. Along the way, I had to ask myself if I was spending the time in prayer myself that I needed to. I felt like I should be doing the very thing that I was asking others to do for me.

8). How to be a Holy sick person.

I am still working on this one. I want to please God even in the midst of suffering and struggles. What does this mean? I think my lack of faith and belief during the hard times is the primary obstacle to having His perspective.

9). Trusting the wisdom of others.

There are people who have walked this road and many harder than mine. Sometimes it is hard to know what we need in the middle of a trial and a trusted friend can lead us and help us in ways that we don’t even realize we need.

10). What to do when healing does not come when I want it?

This is the question; this is when it gets down to real life. I am not in control. God knows the number of my days, not me. He has a plan for me and He loves me. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Do I trust Him?